By Glen Money
It was men’s store in Athens, Ga., in the fall of 1989. After sizing me up, the veteran salesman leaned in and asked,“ What do you do for a living?”
Most likely it was an attempt to discern what priced suit he would try to put me in. “I’m a minister, new chaplain at Athens Regional,” I said. Pretty sure I went from custom made Hickey Freeman to unaltered off the rack house brand on the spot.
“What kind of preacher are you?” I wanted to say, “A good one, I hope.”
But I just said the simpler truth, “Baptist.” “What kind?” Back then I could honestly answer “Southern.”
“Me too,” he replied as he moved two steps closer. “Which church do you go to?”
When I told him “First Baptist” he paused and took those same two steps back. It went from “Thou art my brother” to “Oh Brother, Where Art Thou” in a second.
Then he began to ask me if I believed what he believed on any number of debatable issues. If it was a test – and it was – I failed it.
Then he broke it outa Bible verse I had never pondered before, Amos 3:3. “Can two walk together unless they be agreed?”
I suggested perhaps they could. He strongly reckoned not.
I soon realized we were, among many other things, in disagreement on whether or not I needed to buy a suit from him. In part because I was put off by the guy, but also because I was fresh out of seminary and couldn’t afford anything in there anyway.
After a year in Athens, which ended with the birth of our second son, we moved to Albany, Ga. ,down in the other corner of the state. After eight years there we moved to Monroe, a then small town 20 minutes from Athens.
As the new First Church pastor in town, I needed a more respectable marrying and burying suit. So, I go to the same store.
I was greeted by the same old salesman who was probably wearing the same old suit. He asked me the same old questions.
I gave him the updated answers and within minutes he gave me the same old line, chapter and verse: “Can two walk together unless they be agreed?” Fortunately, Athens had more than one men’s store that could sell me a suit.
Diving more deeply into that dynamic today, it is worth considering what it looks like, what it means, and how we can best respond to the reality of what happens when people disagree.
How relationships and ways of belonging break down over a difference of opinion, some conviction, preference, perspective, group identity. And hold at some hope, however faint and foolhardy, that people of honest disagreement can find a way of walking together.
Please know that while this worldly problem is way too much with us, it is not an entirely new development. The Bible is chock full of tales of conflict born of difference.
In the first family we have disagreement between two brothers – Cain and Able – that when left to fester led to the abdication of responsibility to another, and in time to the first murder.
Miriam and Aaron – Moses’ siblings — disagreed with him over his choice of a wife, specifically her ethnicity. Pretty sure that wasn’t the last time something like that has happened.
Jacob and Esau disagreed over what they were entitled to in the family inheritance. Acts tells us Paul and Barnabas “Had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company” over who to include and exclude on their ministry team.
Euodia and Syntyche were told by Paul to “settle their disagreement” – but didn’t tell us what the fuss was for or anything else about these two argumentative women – they made it into the Bible for that and that alone.
Also in Acts, we have groups within the church with strong differences over who was getting special treatment. These same folks differed on whether partaking of certain things was or wasn’t allowable, and did not partaking make folks morally superior to those who did. I never heard of such, have you?
Peter and Paul famously disagreed over whether or not new people in church had to follow the rituals of those who had been there longer. Again – I have had no experience with that kind of contention.
Disagreements have always had the potential to derail relationships, sometimes before they start. That happens more and more quickly today simply by the way we self-identify. (Oh, you’re one of them.) Annoying, but almost inevitable.
But what do we make of strained and broken relationships that before the fracture had run deep, wide and long? In our cancel culture, all it takes is one wrong answer, one characterization or mischaracterization, one misunderstanding, one differing perspective or sports allegiance, one vote, one remote click difference in default news setting to upend, suspend or just plain end a relationship. A way of being together.
It’s unfortunate and it’s almost always unnecessary. Often unhealthy. Sometimes uncivil. But sadly, it’s not unheard of. Not even uncommon.
It has become epidemic, cutting across virtually every relational context. Friendships. Workplaces. Social groups. Neighborhoods. Churches. Churches within churches. And, saddest of all, families.
If you have practiced Christian faith for very long you can recite the biblical admonitions that, if followed, would cut this kind of thing off at the pass. Soften the spirit before it has a chance to get hardened. Hold folks together long enough to appropriately respond to difference, not impulsively recoil and react.
From the Psalms “How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity”. Psalm 133:1.
From Proverbs15:18 – A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention.
From James 1:19 let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;
From Paul – lots to pick from – let’s go with Ephesians 4: Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. 3 Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.
Or – Be kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God forgives you – Ephesians 4:33 – Preceded by Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.
From Jesus Matthew 5:9 – Blessed are the peacemakers – You can’t make peace without being in relationship.
Let’s go back to Paul– Romans 4:19 –If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Let’s break it down – not hip-hop dance style – but phrase by phrase.
If possible – it not always is possible. But it usually is. If it doesn’t seem possible – catch the next phrase.
So far as it depends on you– Resolve to never be the reason differences don’t get resolved or a relationship gets threatened.
Live peaceably – Both a description of the spirit and the state of the relationship
Live…with – You cannot repair a relationship you are not in. If folks draw lines too soon (sign of impetuousness) or duck out too quickly (sign of immaturity and inability to remain in the tension disagreement brings) or declare you are done and the severance won’t get undone, (a sign of stubbornness and short sightedness) it cuts the legs out of reconciliation, mutual understanding and meaningful belonging.
Our “hang in there” muscles have atrophied to the point of offering little resistance. No grit. No grace.
All – you don’t get to pick and choose who you extend this grace to.
What tips the scale? What weighs more, being right or being well? Which is worth more? How long before we loosen the grip, let go, ghost, distance, build a wall, cut the ties, run to replacement relationships? Pick your metaphor. Pick your poison.
A pastor’s confessions.
- It is different today. Last decade and change folks who do what I do are seeing that play acted out like never before in the families we care for and the church families we lead.
- Pastors know the price of leading multiple constituencies with competing agendas not bashful with demands. We have to choose who we disappoint and live with the consequences.
- It’s hard. And hard not to take personally.
- Some days it takes more resolve than I have to not be done with people who have decided to be done with me. But I try, and will keep trying.
- There are so many lanes in church life where collisions occur. Doctrine. Perceived politics. Social issues. Denominational identity. Polity. Practice. Role of pastor. Worship and preaching style. I mean, I don’t always agree with myself on all those things. But these days – it just takes one to be disqualified to be someone’s pastor. Hasn’t always been like that.
- The prophet and the priest inside me are in constant dialogue about what to say and how to say it. There are things I believe with all my heart that I know could send some people over the edge. I don’t like to lose people – it’s a bad optic and source of much anxiety – both yours and mine.
- If someone is not here – or is here and has just decided to disengage – I have little opportunity to foster relationship, bear influence, or share in ministry. Those are key components of any pastor’s identity, calling, and sense of purpose
- It is hard to practice and empower the ministry of reconciliation when folks have decided not to reconcile. It’s like having the best hamburger in town when no one wants hamburgers.
How can we make sense of all this? What can we do about all this?
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and its theory of the emotional triangle may prove helpful. We Think – We Feel – We Behave. – In that order. I think you are wrong. I feel entitled to feel lots of things, all the way up to contempt and hatred. And then behave in ways that satisfy those feelings. Think – Feel – Behave
It’s a short walk from hating to hurting, from demeaning to distancing, and from animus to abandoning. Things worth fighting over now matter more than the things formerly worth fighting for, like community, each other, the health of our soul, the stability of the family, the fellowship of the church, the state of the union.
What gets left out of those calculations? Humility. Respect. Curiosity. Perspective. Loyalty. Commitment. Faith. Hope. Love? No, these three things do not remain – they catch the last jam-packed train to anyplace but here. Reconciliation station? It doesn’t stop there anymore. Just steamrolls on by putting mile upon mile between the people who once loved and shared a life with each other.
The further folks back up, the easier it is to back out. Once distanced – it takes humility to return. The longer you stay gone – physically, emotionally, relationally – the less likely there will be any effort to come back. To reconnect. Reconvene. Reconcile.
Today – folks make that trip faster, especially when they are caught up in a cultural current that invites, validates, and rewards that kind of behavior. There is little incentive to plead guilty to braking faith, trust and ties with people who used to matter, and still should. And over what? It is so, so sad.
Persuasion rarely resolves differences – if you would just see things my way rarely if ever works.
Intuition comes before moral reasoning. Our sense of morality both binds and blinds us.
Lines get drawn. Defensiveness sets in. Positions get entrenched. Options get limited. In the moment, we lose sight of the value of what we are willing to lose. First casualty is the value of relationships over and against other forces.
So, what can we do? Here’s some ideas.
- Turn off the TV and put down they phone. They are instruments of division that create, sustain, and unleash tribes that behave, well, tribally.
- Quit listening to and talking with people who won’t do step number one.
- Take inventory of who matters to you and commit to holding those relationships together even when you can’t agree on what matters.
- Say these words often: “I could be wrong.”
- Find the shared values and points of agreement and let them be the focus of conversation, shared pursuits, and emotional connection. Bono and Jesse Helms.
- Seek to understand even if you are not feeling understood.
- Talk to people and not about them, Talk to God even more than that.
- Offer an alternative to, not an echo of all the voices of hate and division. Mennonite’s verse Come out from among them and be ye separate – let’s at least be different.
Back to the beginning of this sermon. Remember that obscure verse the suit salesman kept quoting? “Can two walk together unless they be agreed?” It took me years to admit that the answer really is NO.
His question was right, but his premise was not. It’s not about agreement on things, and certainly not everything, but about agreeing to walk and keep walking together even when there is disagreement.
That’s the only way agreement gets found. How unity persists when uniformity does not. We have bought the lie that agreement on everything is the ticket to stroll together. Agreement is in the will to walk together when every outside influence says walk away.
If we will commit to doing that, it’s more likely we can actually hear each other. And maybe even the soft shuffling of sandal feet as Jesus comes along beside us and helps us figure it all out. Or maybe we just discover that the walking is more important than whatever threatened to take us off the trail.
Let’s all find somebody we disagree with this week and ask them to go for a walk. See where it leads.
Glen Money is pastor of First Baptist Church of Murfreesboro, Tenn.